My world has fallen apart, the night mare hasn't even begun and already I just want to run a way and pretend that this isn't happening, or just travel back in time so we can have some happy times again.
My poor grandpa was rushed to the hospital yesterday, he's been poorly and not been quite right for a few months but he always kept on going and kept smiling and always battled on. The past two weeks he's suddenly been getting things sorted and helping out where he could, I never thought twice about it but my dad knew. I saw him last Friday and we went to the bank to get some of his belongings, and some money as we normally do. I recently found out that he wasn't very well on at the weekend, Which i don't understand why nothing was done about it sooner. Apparently it wouldn't have made any different as his kidneys were failing anyway.
I spent some time with him and grandma on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night after work. I try to go up and see them anytime, and try to keep them happy and make sure they are okay. The last time I saw grandpa talking and happy was on Wednesday. He looked really fragile and Grandma had to help him through to the lounge to sit down, I've never seen him like that before. It was heart breaking, normally Grandma is the one that needed help. However, we were all Chatting away, laughing, smiling, joking about short bread and why don't we have long bread, he sounded much better and told me he hoped there was cure. He's been having bladder//kidney problems for a while. Just over a year he was rushed to hospital and was diagnosed with one faulty kidney. This meant he was then strapped up with a bag, and after that, he did't go out much, not as much as he used too. He stopped going to the farm, and only did it on a Sunday Slowly over time he stopped that, but i could still get him to the bank, the hospital on a Monday for his bag, and other things. He kept going, despite that he could barely see, he kept on going but then 8/9 weeks a go, he suddenly got the shakes and couldn't do much any more. He slowly went down hill but it's easier to see it now, now looking back it so much easier to see it than it was at the time. I am so glad the past year has turned out the way it has, I've spent so much time and done so much to help, i even got my own set of keys for the farm. so much has happened but I Never ever expected that would be the last night i'd see him alive and happy.
Yesterday he was rushed to hospital and I just thought he would be okay. I just thought he needed some fluid and some rest and that he would recover. Dad wasn't convinced and knew he wouldn't be coming home. He knew he was giving up and in the end, and he did. I don't know if that was by choice or what, part of me feels he didn't want to go, but he didn't want to suffer any more or he didn't want us to see him struggling. He had always been the man of the house, and for him to be like that was embarrassing for him. I don't feel he was ready to go, he just wasn't. I know he was unhappy and fed up, but he loved seeing the family and he loved my visits. I had such a giggle with him on Wednesday, joking, smiling, and i even stayed longer to help him make there dinner, made the tea and got it all ready for him. The last words i got from him were,
Thank you Amy, for everything that you do for us, we miss your visits and to go see them when ever i want, we like to see you and you always cheer us up. we are really great full for everything that you do and all your help..... thank you for the shortbread,
that's okay grandpa, i am always happy to help out and hope you feel better in the morning, hope the short breads cheer you up a bit too....
Those words will stick with me for a very long time. I just can't believe how he went down hill so quickly and so suddenly, I don't think any amount of human love was enough to save him. Even dear grandma who needs him to keep her sane.
I'll miss you dear grandpa, so much. The world will never be the same again and i can't believe i will never see or talk to you again. MY world has ended and my heart and a broken hole in it. I will always love you grandpa.
xxx
